My dad recently asked me about some of Jim’s “closest” friends, and I responded by discussing how grief teaches you who your true friends are.
There are people we weren’t the closest with…people who we didn’t talk to regularly, but who now check in on me at least once a week. They get it. They get me. They care. There are the people we were SO close with. The ones we talked to/with nearly every day and hung out with all the time. The ones who were there for me AT FIRST and probably would be if I had an emergency or called hysterically crying. They’re the ones who have expectations of me. The ones who compare me to the Sam I was. The ones who have made it crystal clear that the way I’ve grieved has disappointed them. Hurt them. Let them down.
Most of these people I’ve let go of. But some I love dearly.
After talking to my dad and reminiscing, I decided to just reach out. I made a handful of calls.
Unanswered. Unreturned. I actually looked at my text messages and saw that I’ve texted them several times, all of which have been unanswered. And that’s ok!!
Grief shows you who your true friends are. I failed these unwritten tests. I didn’t call soon enough. I didn’t attend events. Forget the fact that they were simply too difficult for me to attend, these actions caused me to lose relationships. My pain and inability to attend without Jim are not factored into the equation I forgive this and honestly don’t want people like this in my life. But it’s another thing we deal with that no one else is even aware of.
Tests. Imagine the pressure. You must do this or you risk losing MORE people. Because that’s compassionate.
(cue my grieving vent)– You know what I really want to say?? FUCK YOU ALL!! Everyone who judges me! Fuck you. Everyone who says I changed Jim. Fuck you. Everyone who has a problem with how I’ve handled my grief and my life. 1000 FUCK YOUS.
Instead, I live my life graciously. I forgive everyone and I accept you where you are. Try to do the same.