I’m sure I’ve talked about this before…
Jim didn’t just eat peanuts. He shook them first, the way you shake dice. And it always – I’m talking 100% of the time – made me giggle.
I hadn’t thought of that specific trait of his until I was watching football with some people and they unexpectedly brought out peanuts.
Only this time, I wasn’t giggling.
And the reason I want to discuss this is because most people hide their pain. Our culture doesn’t discuss grief.
It makes people uncomfortable.
God forbid. People are encouraged to bounce back, when in reality, we’re just trying to survive our new reality.
So most people suffer silently. Privately. And that absolutely compounds the pain!! Immensely.
I don’t do that. I physically can’t do it. And I’d love to say that it’s because I’m so wise and just know better. Ha. It’s because my pain is so intense that there’s absolutely no other choice.
So, surrounded by new-not even yet- friends, I cried about the effen peanuts. And the mean voices in my head were screaming “Pull yourself together. This is embarrassing!” “Great first impression!”
But something beautiful was happening around me. People cared. They listened. They shared.
Someone thanked me for being real. For not pretending I’m ok when I’m not. We had to pause the football game because a full blown bonding experience was happening – for everyone.
People asked me what’s ok and not ok to ask. Someone else opened up about a loss he experienced and still struggles with – because grief also never ends.
The waters settle. You learn how to adjust and cope. But you never know when or where that next wave will come. But you know that will…. even if it’s about the peanuts!
Because NOT dealing with feelings – that’s a form of stress!!
The kind that builds without you even recognizing it. The kind that shows up in our mood or our health or our ability to focus and perform.
So – uncomfortable as it might be – I encourage you to share your feelings. I call it “riding the wave” because that’s what grief is for me.
It’s not avoiding the waves or fighting them. It’s not about staying out of the water altogether – believe me, the thought did cross my mind in the first couple of years.
For me, grief is about learning to ride the waves. Because they’ll always be there, even when the waters seem the calmest.
It’s almost my birthday, and I seriously hate my birthday without Jim. Because he loved it. So sooooo much.
Of course others care and celebrate. But it’s not the same as having that one person…..
The one who believes in you even when you don’t believe in yourself. The one who believes in your dreams and more importantly, in your ability to achieve them. The one who loves you with all of your flaws – not in spite of them.
And I’m sharing because keeping it in makes it even harder.
I’m not asking for anything. I just need to vent. For my sanity. For my everything.
And you’re allowed to vent, too
Hopefully this blog has provided some comfort, education or awareness. If you know someone who will benefit from reading this blog, please share it.
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